It’s normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.
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If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.
Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.
I had a stalker once but he saw me eating soup
I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.
Uber Eats: Imagine this $15 burger.
Me: Damn, that looks delicious.
Uber Eats: now, imagine it being $35…
She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: If we could teach chickens to play basketball, we could set up a league and call it the HenBA
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
You can’t even be mad at the dog for this. You just have to be impressed.
I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.
My headphones have been pausing to say “battery low” every 2 minutes for the past hour. This is how music is meant to be enjoyed.
GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff
her: aww you’re a cat dad!!
me: yeah, part of me thinks cats ward off evil spirits or multidimensional beings
her: oh-
me: that’s probably why they kill so many birds
her: i… um…
me: and also they’re tiny lil angel babies
her: yay!!!
I created a new solvent that will dissolve ANYTHING in the world!
(Sigh)
I just don’t know what to keep it in….
Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.
ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)
SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?
A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.
It’s rude to upstage the bride on her wedding day but that’s exactly what’s going to happen when I burst into flames as I enter the church.
The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.
Coffee is ready.
Being an adult is bullshit. Babies get praised for being able to hold their heads up on their own like bravo your neck works, stupid baby
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
Windows 10? Cool!
Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95
Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*
Moon: delete it
my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.
Don’t give a women flower, she may have hay fever.
Don’t give her chocolate, she may be on a diet!
Give her wifi so there’s no excuse.
A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.
Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home
Snakes are more scared of us than we are of them
[watches snake drive off in my car with my wallet & phone]
I mean, not that one, but most
[on phone]
“Press 1 if you’re a huge nerd”
“Press 2 if you’re a virgin”
“Press 3 if y-”STOP TALKING, DAD! I’m trying to call Xbox support