I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.
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My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.
*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*
ugh, it tastes like the house
When I die I want a memorial bench with a plaque that simply says ‘WET PAINT’ because I don’t want people sitting on my bench.
*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction
Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.
I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.
Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
#FattenUpABand The Rolling Scones
[Dinner table]
Son: no! I don’t wanna!
Me: you want to be like Popeye don’t ya?
Son: …yeah
Me: then hold still for this anchor tattoo.
I don’t want just any tamale. I want a goddamn tamale.
me forcing my cat to look at the screen while we watch alien (1979): do you see how ripley is able to save jonesy from the alien because he lets her pick him up and put him in a carrier?
Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.
ME: Can I borrow your car?
FRIEND: You already borrowed my car.
ME: *nervously* Can I borrow another one?
I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.
Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
[takes a drag from a cigarette] Her middle name was Danger. Her first name was Danger. Her last name was Danger. Her parents were stupid.
[dinner at fergie’s house]
fergie: what do you think of the food i made?
me: it’s ok
fergie: just ok? any other word you’d use to describe it?
[First Date]
Him: So many choices. Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure.
Him: BLT, please.
Me: Same.
Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.
When I was a kid I had to say “yes, sir” and “no, sir.” My son just threatened to call 911 because I’m making him eat a hotdog.
Why does Minnie Mouse wear heels? She is the only female mouse Mickey knows. Pressure’s off, girl. Your boyfriend doesn’t even have a shirt.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
#NationalGardeningDay
Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.
*Shovel
*Lye
*GlovesCashier: “Gardening project?”
Me: “Nope”*Bleach
*Duct tape
*Tarp
me: the wind blew off 3/4 of my roof
friend: oof
me: pretty much
Me *walks in a perfectly straight line and then smiles at cop* told you I could do it!
Cop: you’re still getting arrested for murder though
Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.