I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.
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Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.
My friend just told me that he can print a gun using a 3D printer, but I’m not impressed. I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate’s maiden name, and a hieroglyph.
ATM: just any 4 numbers.
My husband handed my son an orange to take to school.
Me: “He’s not going to eat that.”
My son reached in his bag and pulled out yesterday’s orange. … and then pulled out Tuesday’s orange as well.
Resolution: He returned two previous oranges and brought the new one. 🤷🏼♀️
I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )
people often debate spf levels, but i’ve always found the most effective sunscreen to be the roof of an air conditioned house
Me: What’s a six-letter word for “unhurriedly?”
Wife: Slowly.
Me: [sigh] W-h-a-t…i-s…a…s-i-x…
Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.
Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack
Therapist: How do you feel now?
Me: With my elbows
Imposter syndrome: I am surrounded by beings of impossible, cosmic intelligence
Also imposter syndrome: I, an incompetent, have tricked them all
Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.
You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.
[ day 2 of self quarantine ]
me: i’m bored
my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe
[at a mattress store]
sales assistant: what size are you looking for?
me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do
everyone is motivated by something different. for some folks it’s money, for others it’s a paycheck. some people are even motivated by cash hitting their bank account. others do it for the love of getting paid.
Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”
I wear a Fanny Pack to Olive Garden just so I can steal more breadsticks.
ruin Thanksgiving for everyone with a detailed description of how you prepared the turkey
Owls are just nocturnal pug birds
Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook
There is no “five second rule”…
Just a “shame-to-hunger” ratio.
Who did this…? 💫⚡️
Rather than waste money on charity for the homeless, let’s invest in splicing their genes with snails so they always have their own shelter.
Joel Osteen wouldn’t open his megachurch to flood victims. Let’s not jump to conclusions. Maybe he has two of every kind of animal in there.
[looking at family picture]
Me: Such good times
3yr old son: But I’m not in the pic
Me: *ruffles his hair* I know, buddy
Coronavirus Quarantine Diary, Day 11:
[6 AM]
Me [waking Child]: Hey.
Child: mmmph what
Me: It snowed last night so you have no school today.
Child: YAY
Me: Just kidding get up you’re homeschooled now.
Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.
Hey kids,
Turns out you *will* need math one day because the 15 almonds you’re allowed to snack on aren’t going to count themselves
– adults
Batman-
See, kids?
Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.