Amazon Prime: can I take your order
Megatron: hi, I’d like… omg
Amazon Prime: *horrified* oh no
Megatron: YOU ARE Amazon Prime lol
Amazon Prime: *holding back tears* it’s just a job
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Mommy, I wrote some notes down in my diarrhea.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
The best essential oils are the ones that drip out of Tacos.
I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.
I put on pants like everybody else. Whenever there’s a knock on the front door
Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.
How do you milk an almond?
BANK EMPLOYEE:
*chasing me*
sir! you can’t leave with that!
ME: *running w/ a pen w/ a chain still attached*
I BROUGHT IT WITH ME FROM HOME!
Twister 2:
Climate change makes tornadoes evolve.
They work together.
We can’t beat them.
We team up instead
The twisters destroy ISIS.
Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.
I’ve been secretly moving my clocks ahead one minute every day since June so we can celebrate New Year’s and get all the kids to bed 3-1/2 hours early without them knowing.
When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
Him: Do that thing I hate
Me: Tries to answer his hypothetical questions
Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…
My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.
*after several minutes of searching, the genealogist looks up at me*
it seems that you come from a long line of people who have gotten tragically lost in corn mazes
Not to brag but drunk me just decided to start taking pictures for sober me in the morning…
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted
I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop
Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.
Me: THE drawer?
Wife: Yeah.
Great. There go our Oreos.
[kangaroo court]
Lawyer: I’m afraid my client has jumped bail.
Judge: Who is surprised by this?
Playing doctor with my 3yo and I’ve been diagnosed as “barely alive” and this pretend play has become wildly realistic.
my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
Ways to contact strangers, from least to most creepy:
1) Text
2) Call
3) Doorbell
4) Urinal Convo
5) Backseat popup
6) Under bed ankle grab
Monster under the bed: Look, I was going to scare you but this is sad. You’ve been in bed for 15 hours.
Me: I’ll go to the restroom after the next episode is over.
Monster: You said that last episode, I just want to go see my kids.
I’m being forced to attend a family dinner tonight at a priest’s house…
There’s no such thing as a surprise exorcism, right?
The guy in front of me at the supermarket paid with a check
Not to be outdone, I tried to pay with some turquoise beads and an otter pelt
Vader: Join the dark side!
Luke: Maybe. What’s your Wi-Fi password?
Vader: We don’t have Wi-Fi.
Luke: I’LL NEVER JOIN YOU!
*gets period*
“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”