5: How come we never do anything fun?
Me: We went to an amusement park..
5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago
Me: It was yesterday
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it was a valiant fight
Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.
After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong
All of my passwords are the names of various “Friends” characters. Except for Ross. I’ve never used Ross. Not after what he did to Rachel.
Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?
[two astronauts in space station]
“What’s that?”
Just a hurricane
“And that?”
Great Wall of China
“And that over there?”
Drake’s eyebrows
[bank heist get away]
Chad the Thief: I can’t believe…
Gary the driver: Look, it’s the only vehicle I could get.
Chad: But an ice cream van…
Gary:
Chad: Can you at least turn the music off?
Having to ask the hairdresser to give you a cut that will persuade your phone’s facial recognition software that it’s still you is very 2020.
i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them
What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day
The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
*pounding on her chest*
DON’T DIE ON ME KAREN!
*pounds harder*
(sobbing) BREATHE DAMMIT!
CPR instructor: Ok, so that was wrong.
Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.
Me: oil change plz
Toyota: it’ll be $39
Me: cool heres my $2 off coupon4 hrs later
T: ur steering wheel fell off total is $2900 sign here
How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?
Missionary, so we can keep arguing
Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.
Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism
*manager is hit by a chair*
Me: How so?
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
Me: How was school?
11-year-old: It was a normal day.
Me: So it was good?
11: I didn’t say that at all.
I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit
Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.
Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.
INTERVIEWER: Tell me one of your weaknesses.
ME: I sometimes mistake professional behavior for flirting.
INTERVIEWER: There is zero chance we’d ever hire someone with that issue.
ME: Listen, I’m flattered, but I’m married.
Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.
“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”
– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip
Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone.
I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.
15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’