“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”
“schrodinger”
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Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
When I’m mad at my kids I like to sing the wrong lyrics to the music as I rage clean just to piss them off. That way we can all be mad at each other.
Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!
I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.
[3am]
no one:
not a soul:
my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
Dear ppl in rl, yes, you’re right. Social media is nothing like socializing in rl, but let’s see you try muting someone by a single click.
I only needed to open the last 7 presents I’d wrapped before I found the one I’d left the scissors in this year, which is nice.
My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes
Until I got drunk, and put them on
Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.
Not saying Lois Lane is a shitty reporter but my friend showed up without his glasses on today and I recognized him after like 20 minutes.
Son: the devil made me do it
Me: what did I say about that
Son: not to call my sister the devil
Stick with me and you’ll go places.
None of them good, but still.
Yesterday my colleague called me a ‘laptop murderer’ because I cut my computer in half to make it more portable. Does anyone else do this? Is it just me?
Old MacDonald loaned me cash.
He I, he I owe.
Me too, bag. Me too….
Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.
I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’
“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.
I might carry a baby with one hand.
i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt
THIS SHIT HAS ME DEAD 😭
The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?
Me: *accidentally types url wrong one time*
Navigation Bar: [every day for 15 years] Do you wanna go to Faceboot today? Huh? You wanna visit a boot with a face on it? Huh, you piece of shit? Is that what you wanna do? Moron.
Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.
It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in
When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.
If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.