Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
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you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser
Someone tried to abduct me today by sloppily painting “taco truck” on the side of a windowless van.
There were no tacos in there. Please send help.
*Steve Carell washes hands*
*Steve Purell*
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.
I’m going to get some steel wool so I can crochet myself a new car.
Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”
My kid went on her first shopping trip with friends and her own money but didn’t even buy the sticker she wanted because “you wouldn’t believe how much things cost” so looks like 11 is when sticker shock first gets you.
Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.
Tell her “I love your eyes. They sparkle like emeralds. I’d love to see them every day”
Perhaps whisper the “in a jar beside my bed” part though
In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day, in the interests of balance, the bbc interviewed satan.
What they say: “Parenting is hard.”
What they mean: “You will do your very best to take care of your child, and they will do their very best to stop you from doing that.”
me
My daughter insisted she wanted a snowball fight in the dark so we waited till the sun set, got our torches out and ran around laughing and freezing in the garden. When I asked her if she’d had fun, she looked me in the eyes and said “no mummy, it was dark”
Somewhere in an alternate universe
All the rooms in this asthma clinic offer breathtaking views.
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.
My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.
Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.
Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.
Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.
texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points
Trying to impress the doctor by telling her I don’t need a prescription to get Xanax.
Hiking the trails at home, every twig breaking is a serial killer.
Hiking the trails in the mountains, every twig breaking is a mountain lion.
Me: *whispering to husband* you are looking really hot in your suit. I’m surprised no one has hit on you
Husband: well you’re here with me
Me: oh yeah
Husband: and we’re at a funeral
this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista
Very problematic
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
Mugger: Hand over your wallet and… is that a real diamond ring on her finger?
Wife: *whispering to me* Lie to him.
Me: Yes it is.