This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.
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[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no
The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind
My teenage children choosing violence
Received a resume today that listed gap explanations which included such hits as “skydiving accident”, “temporary blindness” and finally my personal favorite “cartwheel incident”
Moderator: your word is “impatient”
Sloth: can you use it
Moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
Sloth: in a
Moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
Sloth: oh great thank you
Moderator: what the
[inventor of edible arrangements] sorry for your loss, but you look like you enjoy throwing fruit away
We don’t know what’s in the vaccine. Could be anything. Microchips? Sure. Toxins? Maybe. Predatory birds? Definitely. This is all a plot to fill us full of falcons because the CDC is in the pocket of Big Talon.
I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.
Eminem walks into a bar.
Bartender: You only get one shot.
[holding hands]
Her: I think I love you
Me: WHAT?
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all
Best thing about dead batteries is they are free of charge!
[text]
Me: on my way over
Friend: u okay?
M: my husband used the guest towels
F: OMG! i’ll open wine
british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”
WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”
so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one
Ladies, if he’s never gonna:
-give you up
-let you down
-run around
-desert you
-make you cry
-say goodbye
-tell a lie
-hurt youHe’s not your man, he’s tacos
my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx
[at the zoo]
Llama spits in my face
I spit in llamas face
Llama slaps me
I grab llamas hair
Scuffle ensues
Llamas gf shouts “leave it Gary!”
Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.
ME: *slides envelope across the table
COP: *opening it* This is half a ticket to an MC Hammer concert from 1990
ME: You’ll get the other half when I’m out of here
Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die
[a guy walking his dog grabs my purse and they run off]
Me: Hey, that’s not nice! You get back here this instant and let me pet that dog!
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
Coworker: Pass your random drug test?
Me: With flying colors!
CW: Really?
Me. So many colors!
CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?
(before ceiling fans were invented)
*People getting their legs cut off by floor fans*
Narrator: There has to be a better way…
The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.
For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.