That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel
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Mickey Mouse’s pants out of context look like something that would try to kill Mario.
I love that you can say “pardon my french” and then say a swear and everyone’s like “ok, I was warned” but if you said “pardon my French” and spoke French someone would hit you in the knees with a bike chain
[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most
ME: Are u sure?!
B: Yeah easy, trust me
[in a bar]
Him: Trouble is my middle name.
Me: wow… That’s a stupid middle name. You must hate your parents.Him: *breaks down crying
I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.
Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.
The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.
My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.
I possess a devastating combination of perfectionism and incompetence
Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:
Of course my husband went into sales. He told his drill sergeant at basic training he was allergic to fish because he didn’t like fish and got a sandwich made for him. IN THE ARMY.
Yep.
Acquaintances: “So what have you been up to?”
What I hear: “Please explain yourself, we’re trying to figure you out.”
Sydney actually has a lot of cool bars it’s just that to find them you have to walk into random shops and lean on shit like a Scooby Doo character until you find the secret passage.
Parenting talk translated.
“Come on you’re very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Actually means:
“Come on, I’m very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
Can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Yes that was when I worked really weird jobs that I don’t want you to know about
Drinking at home is convenient, sure, but it’s nothing like the experience of leaving the pub feeling fifty bucks lighter.
NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
My debt forgiveness plan is simple: I have hidden five golden tickets in chocolate bars around the world. The lucky children that find the bars can use the tickets to pay tuition fees if they pass a series of simple tests during a visit to my candy factory
By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.
I was in Australia once and a newscaster said in the cutest accent that a swimmer was “taken” by a shark. I asked if that meant they died and my friend said, “Well yes, but no worries, it happens. Sharks do that.”
And that’s the most Australian thing I’ve ever heard.
You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor
the greatest twitter interaction
FBI: “Report anything that seems suspicious”
Citizens: “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”
FBI: “K like not anything anything”
Just realized all my tweets are about my genitals . Time to change the subject.
Do you believe in aliens ?
If so , do they have genitals?
My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.
I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks
nothing saves money like being antisocial