When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.
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My 7yr old walked up with a candy wrapper she’d found in the garbage “WHAT is this? Did YOU eat this?” “Yes, I bought it. At the store. With my own money.” I replied, beads of sweat forming on my forehead. I didn’t do anything wrong but oh how I felt like I really, really did.
My long hair falls out constantly so I leave it everywhere for birds to make nests, your honor. That’s why my DNA proves I’m thoughtful, generous, and especially not guilty of this crime.
And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold
My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.
5: I can count to 90!
Me: Really? Show me!
5: Ok here we go…
1
2
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4
5
6
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90Me: Nailed it.
Me: Ooh, I love those pretty Christmas lights hanging over the street.
Cop: Those are traffic lights, what’s exactly in the thermos ma’am?
Autocorrect says I am currently: all out of ducks to give, most of you are full of shot, twitter is overrun by aunts and life is a birch
David Draiman singing “Oh-wa-ah-ah-ah” in the intro of “Down with the Sickness”, but it’s just the sounds I make while trying to put on socks.
*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.
If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant
Apocalypse 101: Don’t befriend the cool looking guy with a bunch of guns. Go with the one who knows how to tie knots, and can tell which plants are poisonous.
4: Let’s play.
Me: Ok.
4: You can be the mommy.
Me: Sure.
4: You’ll have to figure out what all the kids eat.
Me: Nope, I’m out.
I can’t come up with a guitar pun, but I won’t fret about it.
My GF’s anti aging cream went bad.
HOW DOES ANTI AGING CREAM HAVE AN EXPIRATION DATE?!
[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood
why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?
The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.
Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.
I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.
LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
“No pain, no gain!” I scream at myself while bending over to cut my toenails
*demon enters my body
*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist
I almost died last night. I woke up at 3am and MY FOOT WAS HANGING OFF THE EDGE OF THE BED. NOT EVEN UNDER THE COVERS.
Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.
Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let’s me choke on my own spit.
[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]
Android user: See?
I’m so uncomfortable with confrontation, a waiter could bring me a bowl of cold black olives instead of my meal and I would quietly eat them and tip 30%.
‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.