I think we as a society can hold two thoughts at same time a) almost anyone can be scammed + b) a financial advice columnist falling for an “Amazon rep” connecting you to “the CIA” who tells you to put 50k in unmarked bills in a shoebox to toss in a car and tell no one in wild
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China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.
When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth
My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.
she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October
Warning to ppl who drink & drive, yday while driving, frnd took his arm out to indicate right turn & someone took his beer.
Rascals! #txt
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow
Just punched myself in the face trying to swat away a mosquito. Think I’m officially done with summer. Proceed with the pumpkin spice shit.
me: can i get some ketchup?
waiter: sir, this is a 3 michelin star restaurant
me: my apologies. may i please have some crème de tomato a la heinz
I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.
Overheard a girl just say she’s full because she ate at 3:00. It’s 6:00. How can you stay full for THREE HOURS, alien?
If you’re a tire company you shouldn’t say you work tirelessly
Dear God,
Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.
~ All women
Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
I wish my 3yo ate dinner as well as he eats toothpaste
I just died 😂😂😂😂😂
Parenting explained
Them: Do you know the last time you went to the dentist?
My kids: Look at momThem: How do you want your steak cooked?
My kids: Look at dad
[penguin waddles into computer repair store]
“Hi yes my laptop is frozen”
…
Computer repair guy – “how did you get to Milwaukee”
99% of the time I have zero understanding of how people are using “iykyk”. “Eating some ice cream iykyk.” Well I certainly thought I knew about ice cream. I thought *everybody* knew about ice cream
Huh, this is a first
Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before
They must know
Interviewer: why do u want to work here
me: revenge
*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*
FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92
My new driver’s license picture doesn’t look anything like me.
*tapes a little picture of an iPhone over half my face
Now it looks like me.
On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.
Calling peoples opinions of me “fan theories “
Breaking news:
If you don’t like giving advice just look sage & say one completely unrelated thing you know to be true & let the other person assume it’s a metaphor.