What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?
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Sure, you can clean your house while the kids are home. You could also shovel your driveway with a spoon during a blizzard. When it comes to wasting time, the possibilities are endless.
Doctor’s office: “Can you fax us your information?”
Me: “Let me get a rock and chisel to write down your fax number.”
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.
police: come out with your hands up.
me: no.
police: why not?
me: you’ll tickle my ribs.
police: will not.
me: promise?
police: promise.
me: ok *comes out with my hands up*
police: someone’s… TICKLISH!
me: nooooo
Me: YAY! Nice weather is finally here!
Weather: Here are some mosquitos to fight off while you mow your lawn.
I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.
Laundry to do list;
□ whites
□ towels
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ darks
Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!
Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?
you can do it, they said…put your back into it, they said
Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.
Me: my point is, if you remove the potatoes from potato salad you aren’t left with salad
Deli Manager:
Me: so what else are you lying about
Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.
Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.
once i got commissioned to review a film, and when i went to file my story I said “Here’s my review! Not a great movie tbh” and then forgot to paste in the Google Doc link, so the editor replied being like “oh… we’d still like an article?”
The pastor’s sermon went on so long that even Jesus got up and walked out.
Me: Our neighbor died last night
Him: Who, Ray?
Me: My God honey, I know you didn’t like him but it’s not something to celebrate
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you
*coworker drinks coffee I made them*
Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: WHAT?
Me:…with love!
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder
“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.
Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.
Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*
every ghost is a little afraid someone will see them and tell them to start wearing pants again
I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.
Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up
Who knew that a fighter jet could be a flight risk?
the eight spiders I swallowed last year have woven together the microplastics inside me to create a tiny starship enterprise and are zooming towards my brain as we spe
No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.
Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.
And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.