ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.
CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.
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First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.
My husband just told me not to look in the vegetable drawer because it would ruin my birthday surprise, but if my birthday surprise involves vegetables, he may be in danger.
Discuss
Depressed? Try changing your bedding. Cedar chips are for guinea pigs & may not be right for you
Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.
the best way to avoid people outside stores with clipboards is by carrying your own
It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.
Intelligence is the new cleavage
Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.
i put my exercise bike together, no spare parts, i am absolutely drunk on testosterone, i’ll never need another map.
If you love someone, let them tweet.
[sees old friend after 4 years]
“God, you were so fat back in school.”
“Yeah, well I lost a lot of it last year.”
“No you didn’t.”
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset
Twitter: You have 87 notifications
Me: Nice
Gmail: You have 7 emails
Me: Oh FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST
How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’
new app: may we send you notifications?
me: sure
app: *sends notification*
me: oh hell no
I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full
My wife carved ‘I’M FINE’ into a pumpkin especially for me
So she’s obviously cool with me watching football all day and breathing an stuff
breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.
my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades
*turns TV off*
“THEY HAD CAMERAS EVERYWHERE BUT NOBODY SAW THE TOYS WALKING AROUND?!”– me every time I watch Toy Story 3
I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.
My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.
If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.
it’s weird that a librarian and a book-keeper are different things