Me: I’ve decided to be the girl from The Grudge.
Friend: For Halloween?
Me: For what?
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We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids
I just heard a lady in the grocery store parking lot tell her dog in the truck she loves him & he’s beautiful & she’s going to miss him, but she’ll brb & kissed head.
& I just feel like we need more of her in this world.
I also wanna be her dog when I grow up.
Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?
If you look in the mirror & say “pumpkin spice latte” 3x a white suburban girl will appear & tell you everything she loves about the fall
At my 12yo’s school awards ceremony tonight I danced in my seat just enough for her to see me, smile, shake her head in happy embarrassment, and look down to avoid accidentally smiling again
My work here is done
Whatever your age, I think you should try to learn something new every day. Today I learned that 50 year old men shouldn’t run for trains. Discovering that ambulance beds are surprisingly comfortable was merely a bonus lesson.
Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.
what I say: WE RIDE AT DAWN
what I mean: Let’s meet at noonish for brunch and a nature walk
I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school
Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.
Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching youDogs
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
[at a party]
Host: may I take your coat?
Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes
[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
Anything is detachable if you pull hard enough.
me, age 21: *pulls an all nighter* yay!
me, age 37: *sleeps the whole night* yay!
When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?
I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.
43 Hacks That Will Help You Cut Down a Christmas Tree
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.
my dad can break into almost any car using a frozen chimichanga
SF is the wild wild west man
Him: what are you thinking about?
Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?
Jill: Hey, wanna help me get some water?
Jack: Ya, sure, I mean what’s the worst that could happen?
Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”
McDonald’s just offered me a coupon book to promote the mcrib in a tweet?? Lmao no thanks,, im not THAT cheap. Not like the McDonald’s™️ McRib™️ sandwich. So tangy. So delicious. A little slab of heaven for a mere $2.99 now available for a limited time only