Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either
You Might Also Like
DOCTOR: You should lose some weight
ME: Ok I’ll consider it
VET: Your dog should lose some weight
ME: Hey bud, you’re going on a diet!
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
My uncle brought out a range of women’s nightwear that’s so ugly he’s being sued for gross negligées
Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on
2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.
Dad owl: I’m dying so I need you to look after things. I’m going to give you-
Son owl: Don’t say it
Dad: Power of a tawny
Son: [turns head]
To be honest, the only thing I really like about being a grownup is getting to eat a Popsicle right after I finish eating a Popsicle.
First date idea: you, me, and a blanket
under the stars. We slap the shit out of each other but it’s sweet because of all the mosquitoes
I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent.
My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.
Top names for pet grasshopper:
• Jerry Springer
• hoptimus prime
• Legatron
• Jumpford & sons
• meredith
• billy BOIIIING thorton
• beyouncé
ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!
pineapples would be so much better if they didn’t eat you back.
Yet another unrealistic beauty standard smh
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: So I was wondering…*slowly finishes her drink*…if you’d like to see my bedroom
ME: Oh no thank you, I don’t have any interest in home decor[4 days later]
ME *spits out coffee* DAMN IT
What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?What they said: Want to go camping?
My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has “other pedicures to do” and doesn’t “speak English”.
Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.
I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice
[santa gently waking me] you live like this?
[break room]
coworker: what’s for lunch?
me: [eating] food, generally
cw: no, I mean what are you having?
me: an unwanted conversation
When I eat a banana it’s not sexual. It’s in memory of my dead husband, who was killed in a terrible innuendo accident
I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way
[parade]
Dad: son, when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten, and the damned? Will you defeat them your demons and all the non-believers?
Me, 6 years old: do I have to answer now or
Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.
[history class in 2069]
TEACHER: how did the Civil War begin?
ME: when the United Nations prepared to pass the Sokovia Accords, which would establish a UN panel to oversee and control The Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America were divided.
TEACHER: correct
I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car
I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me
Four stages of my life:
1. Life is beautiful.
2. What is twitter?
3. Twitter is beautiful.
4. What is life?
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.