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Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.
Dear everyone,
I’ve seen all of your tweets this year.
You’re all getting dictionaries for Christmas.Sincerely,
Santa Claus.
When I’m feeling dangerous I like to play food poisoning roulette with the corner fast food sushi spot.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?
Text my grandma if she wants to go to the grocery with me she replied 🔥
like is that hell yeah or does she want to burn it down
Whale: Hey did you hear I have a new girlfriend? She’s aaall over me it’s crazy.
Eel: For the last time barnacles don’t count as girlfriends
[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
“I’m alright”
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?
For cardio I live beyond my means.
love when my grandparents tell me the story of how they met and got together because suddenly I find myself googling things like “statute of limitations India” “how to report a crime from 1942” “can I report a crime in India if I live in America”.
Anyone that breaks up with me gets followed around by a gang of feral raccoons with tiny signs that say “Really?” and “Seriously dude?” for at least, a month.
as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.
*walks into a room full of people*
*looks around*
*answers fake phone call*
*leaves*
There’s a fly in the den so my cat is reenacting the Matrix
I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up
At some point, a guy looked at an onion that was clearly purple & called it red. AND WE’RE JUST SITTING HERE LETTING IT HAPPEN.
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.
i wish all
whales
a very
big
I like to reassure my girlfriend that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.
Challenge accepted!
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh here comes the tickle monster
[on a date with a caribou as a favor to my sister]
me: so…did you like the movie?
caribou: *knocks over candy display & tramples 3 kids*
the 1 thing i ask in life is for someone to use my bathroom and come out and say “wow that is the cleanest toliet I’ve ever seen”
[invention of croutons]
Let me put a few bread rocks on top of your salad. Trust me, people in neighboring cities will hear you eating this.
It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.
Cat scientists are hard at work trying to solve the mystery of why humans usually walk across an entire room without abruptly deciding to lie on the floor.
“I want to feel like chewbaca, but only from the shins down.”
-women wearing uggs
I was not ready for the 70yo couple at the doctor’s office go from ones concern for the other’s low blood sugar to screaming at each other about talking too loudly. Right next to me in an almost empty waiting room.
Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.