Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.
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Nothing like spending 20 minutes of your day trying to recreate a fart sound your chair made to prove to your coworkers it wasn’t you.
9yo: “Hey mom? Do we have any duct tape? And before you say anything, I PROMISE we’re not going to put it ON anyone. I mean like…not exactly anyway.”
What month is it? Why is summer so long?
Church: time to come back
Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK
Church: not you
5: Mom, look at me!
Me: I’m in the shower
5: Look at me!
Me: I can’t!
5: Because you’re in the shower?
Me: Yes!
5: Fine, but can you just look at me?!
Hmm I don’t really wanna commit 2 hours to watching a movie
*watches 12 straight hours of a tv show on Netflix*
[2018]
SON: I have the sniffles.
WIFE: Let’s get you to the ER![1986]
ME: I just took half my finger off with the saw!
DAD: Go get the hydrogen peroxide and a stapler.
ME: …
DAD: Grab me a beer on your way.
The Fast & The Furious 10: Now They All Work At AutoZone Together
Am I romantic?
I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.
So, I don’t know.
You tell me.
How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping
FRIEND: Hey can I see your tattoo of a bat?
ME: My what?
FRIEND: Your tattoo.
ME: ?
FRIEND: *Sigh* Your battoo.
ME: Of course!
wife: [hangs up the phone with me] sorry, my husband’s trying to say he found a genie
her coworker: wow there’s a 5th ninja turtle now
wife: oh no
i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.
There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.
her: who’s ur favorite vampire
me: that one on Sesame Street
her: he doesn’t count
me: i assure u he does, Jen
Got a new high score on my bathroom scale
Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years
Foreigner: I want to know what love is.
Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.
“Can I get you to-”
YES!
“Great! Here it-”
I’LL DO IT!
“Don’t you want to-”
MAKE THE CHECK OUT TO…– Adam Sandler being handed a script
F: The eyes on those dolls freak me out. I wish you’d get rid of them.
Next day
F *screams*
I meant get rid of the dolls not their eyes.
when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today
Me: I have an imaginary gf.
Therapist: U can do better than that.
M: I know, it’s just–
T: I was talking to her.
News: IKEA pledges 1 billion euros to help slow climate change.
But knowing IKEA, it will take forever to put the money together.
[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim
Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.
Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.
Don’t let anyone treat you like a red flag, you’re the whole damn red carpet baby
Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.
*leaves work early and pulls in to seedy 4 hours stay motel on the highway. Looks around to make sure no one sees*
Me: This is going to be so great.
*sleeps for 4 hours*
One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.
WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.