It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.
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I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas
4k tvs? no thanks i only need one
my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Tweeting.
Him: Gah. Such a colossal waste of time.
Me: *stare*
Him: *goes back to playing Candy Crush*
8-year-old: *shows me the sample of her school picture*
Me: Why do you look so angry?
8: I was getting my picture taken.
football coach: i need you guys to make a play
(8 months later at opening night)
football coach: wait wtf is this
Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.
ask your girlfriend for her ring size and then give her a personalised bowling ball
When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout
Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.
Canadian up.
You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.
me: any historical figure?
wizard: that’s right[later at dinner]
Beethoven: you seem disappointed
me: *hiding dog treats* it’s fine
Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”
It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.
Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.
The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
doctor: you have no heart
me: okay wow that’s rude
doctor: no you literally have no heart how are you even alive
demon living inside me: *to me* don’t
me: there’s a demon living inside me
demon: ugh
[psych ward]
me: this is nice they have jell-o
demon: ooo is it cherry
These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.
Clark Kent “I have a confession”
Lois Lane “what is it?”
*Clark removes his glasses*
Lois “Is it a bird?”
Clark “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU”
interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
Ladies, if a man’s nice to you, it doesn’t mean he wants to sleep with you. It simply means he wants to marry you and raise ponies with you.
Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!
TRUMP: if elected i’ll build a protective wall. I’ll call it the great wall
*advisor whispers in his ear*
i’ll call it the really great wall
No I won’t be attending your seance, I barely want to talk to the living
Date: I enjoy living here, but I do miss West Virginia
Me: *excited* MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Would you please stop doing that every time I say West Virg-
Me: MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Ugh, please just take me home
Me: *ecstatic* COUNTRY ROOOADS
[pronounces lasagna like bologna]