AUNT: You look just like your dad.
ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.
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live, laugh, laundry.
When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.
“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers
[camping]
“Dad I’m afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me”
-don’t be silly. It’ll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.
Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.
I just found an unopened box of Girl Scout cookies underneath my futon in my mom’s basement so yeah-I found love in a hopeless place.
[me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
Him: Amazon Prime and chill?
Her: That’s not something people say.
Him: Sure it is. Bing it.
Her: Also not a thing.
dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months
Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.
If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.
my dad once complained about “coming home from a long day at work and having to eat on a paper plate” so my mom served him dinner in a solo cup the next day and we all ate like we didn’t notice
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.
presenting your incognito window wrapped
the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille
They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.
Oh, you want to fight? Ok, one second *takes off glasses, removes retainer, unpins towel cape, empties snacks from pockets, sets down kitten
Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.
There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few
do not take my piercings out for my funeral or i WILL be back
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel
My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!
Me: Impressive feet!
If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s
Get married and have kids so that you can Google things like “How to teach your kid to not bite”.
The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.
A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through
Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.
Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.