I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who’s got access to filters
You Might Also Like
Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.
My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.
No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
[Throwing a ball for my dog]
Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though
“and this blood shall be called A+”
all the other blood types: “k wow we’re like right here”
Them: Mr. Scholl-
Dr. Scholl: EXCUSE ME I DIDN’T GO TO 6 YEARS OF FOOT SCHOOL TO NOT BE CALLED DOCTOR
Them: Sorry, DOCTOR Scholl, can you please put your pants back on, this is an Arby’s
I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 gooseLooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread
I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.
Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!
Date: I’m excited to taste your cooking. When will it be ready?
Me: In a minute I’ll have to peel back the plastic, stir and re-cover.
The internet was a mistake. Civilization was a mistake. Evolving was a mistake. We could be sitting in trees eating delicious bananas right now, but instead we’re here getting Very Angry Online.
being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita
me: “why was she called the little mermaid, she was 5ft7?”
therapist: “i meant anything bothering you about your marriage keith”
I’m not saying you’ve had too much Botox, it’s just that you should still be able to shrug your shoulders
me: I have a phobia of very large numbers
therapist: I can help u
me: thanks a twelve
I’ve reached the age where haircuts would be cheaper if my hairdresser charged per strand.
Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…
Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.
If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?
INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé
ME: Thank you, I found it outside
Scissors Commercial:
*Montage of people karate chopping paper in half*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better… Nevermind that was rad
10: Dad, what’s the opposite of “discombobulated?”
Husband:
Me, yelling from the kitchen: You don’t know, do NOT say “combobulated!”
If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all
When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”
Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me
ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There’s a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.
Monogrammed towels are good for when you know how to spell your last name but sometimes get stumped on the first letter
Kids: Stay in school.
They should remake The Ring; instead of a tape, the creepy little girl uploads her video to YouTube and wipes out pretty much everybody.
“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house