I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.
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I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.
Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks
Him: you just offended all of Canada
Beth on Facebook “Can’t believe its Monday again already”… if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.
PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET
The pilot’s been taxiing to our gate for 20 minutes, so apparently he landed at the wrong airport and we are driving the rest of the way.
Not a single parenting book prepared me for questions like, “Did oranges get their name from the color or did the color get its name from oranges?”
*Cocks Gun* ” Any last requests?”
“Yes, do not shoot me with that gun.”
“Oh you!! Ya got me go ahead get outta here”!
No one gaslights better than a toddler caught red-handed.
[Toddler covered in icing]
Did you touch the cake?
NO YOU DID
Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: night.
Me: What?
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away
When a guy jokes about pms, you need to laugh along to show you’re a cool chick, but hold the laugh too long- so he gets scared.
Did it hurt when YOU fell from heaven?
If so, contact the law offices of Leon Molowitz, and get the monetary compensation you deserve!
How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.
She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.
Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.
My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*
Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*
“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”
Me: What a gorgeous day! I’m going to *make the most of it.
*Pulls open the blackout curtains exactly one inch
The ex-comedian urge to write my own wedding vows so everyone remembers I’m the funnier one in the relationship
Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried
#SignsAGuyDoesntLikeYou he takes a long time to reply to your letters and blames it on the “prison mail system”
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you’re like glad i missed out on that shit
ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.
GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.
There should be a tv game show where couples have to scroll through every streaming service looking for something they both want to watch and if time runs out, they get divorced.
son: school just got canceled
me: oh shit what did it do
I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok I’ll take one
[later]
duck: quick
me: I see
my go-to phrase at work is “I’ll crunch the numbers” but the truth is I’ll just go back to my desk & crunch my flaming hot cheetos
Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…