If you hate the word moist, try replacing it with muggy.
For example: Her panties were muggy af.
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I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?
My husband said let’s cuddle, so he took one dog and I took the other two, and we cuddled.
A lady at WartMart said I smelled fruity and asked what fragrance I was wearing. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I missed my mouth with a slushie so I pointed to a random body spray
Had day surgery – came out with about fifteen less followers than when I went in with.
So apparently I’m offensive even when unconscious.
“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink
My neighbor told me his son watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth tomorrow?
Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.
Me *rings 911* help me I’m dying!
Oompa Loompa: oh I have a fun song I can sing
My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then
[Fortnite with 9]
9 y/o: Dad can I make you party leader?
Me: Sure, why?
9 y/o: So we can have easier matches since you’re so bad.
my deep-seated irrational fear of ceiling fans has been vindicated
My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.
When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you’re next
My son is smart enough to hatch an elaborate plot to get out of going to daycare, but dumb enough to share his scheme with me in exhaustive detail. God bless toddlers.
tarot card reader: so that’s 3 death cards
me: but that means change or rebirth, right?
tarot card reader: *pulling out another death card* no
My boomer father in law couldn’t get his TV to work, the tv was plugged into a surge protector…that was plugged into itself.
Hubs cleaned out the garage without being asked so I’m looking back over the Ashley Madison list just in case I missed something.
When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.
I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.
Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even
“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”
The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.
My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.
colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000
asian women will be in palo alto pushing a $5000 stroller holding a birkin wearing 2-3 cartier bracelets having a 5 carat diamond ring wearing chanel sunglasses and some blonde woman wearing yoga pants at the grocery store will be like are you the nanny
I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.
shepherd: SWEET CAROLINE
sheepdog: god i hate this guy
sheep: BAH BAH BAH
sheepdog: ok i hate all of you
My online therapist says you can’t live your life in fear….He also sells shampoo.
somewhere, in an alternate universe
I can’t stop canceling dates. it feels incredible. this guy thought he was gonna find out how many siblings I have and now that mystery will follow him to his grave