#TopTip
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I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks
I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.
Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.
Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.
Watch what you do in front of people. You never know when there might be a documentary being filmed about you and someone says, “He was dipping pieces of rotisserie chicken in tartar sauce and it made my skin crawl.”
I like when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.
[Dinner with family of Owls]
ME: Want me to say grace?
DAD OWL: No. We don’t do that
M: I thought you were-
D.O: Pls don’t
M: birds of pray?
I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar
Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age
“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.
I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason
I won the local hot dog eating contest and didn’t even know I was competing.
Me: OMG did I tell you about my mom’s Facebook post?
Cop: Not only do you have the right to remain silent, I’m going to have to insist on it
My childhood music teacher posted on FB that she’d become a grandmother. I excitedly wrote “You were pregnant with your daughter when I was in Kindergarten now she’s a mom & I even remember you named her Beth Ann I loved Washington School!” & now I know why people avoid FB.
shakespeare: murder most foul…
goose: what the duck did you just say?!
Son: I’m tired.
Dad: Hi Tired, I’m Dad.S:
D:S: You annoy me.
D: You annoy me.S: Oh, you’re copying me now?
D: Oh, you’re copying me now?S: Who is the parent here?
D: Who is the parent here?S: MOM! Come get your husband.
You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.
Dearest Twitter,
Man Flu hath landed upon mine shores.Scientifically proven to be a reality, tis lethal a condition that can befall any man. The lady companion of two decades denies its very existence and scorns my plight. Woe unto me and all men who find themselves afflicted.
I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.
They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.
*sees window washer in a harness outside office high rise*
*holds up sign from desk*
YOU’RE NOT EVEN FLYING EVERYONE CAN SEE THE STRINGS
ME: Heyy baby, tonight I wanna take you to Clown Town.
HER: Don’t you mean Pound Town?
ME: *seductively puts on a rainbow wig and nods “no”*
I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.
Yelled at some skinhead today & he was all like “chemotherapy, dude” & I was like, “whatever, racist” cause sometimes you gotta take a stand
Sounds about right! 💯
🌐
Nice that I’ll hear “Just a little prick” today because I’m giving blood samples and not from some random person replying to my tweets for once.