I have a black belt in leather
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“Hello, can I speak to Mr Featherstonehaugh please?”
“How are you pronouncing that?”
“It doesn’t matter, this is a written joke”
Whenever I tell her that I want to put my Butterfinger into her MilkyWay, she Snickers.
I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
mob boss: i need u take out the rat
[later]
rat: [sets napkin down] the cheese was to die for
me: yes it was
rat: what
Waiting for Bernie Sanders to come out from under the ring and hitting someone with a steel chair to claim the presidential belt.
I don’t think I can manage sugar daddy but I could probably scrape together a carb uncle
I just cleaned the house and took a picture so that in 15 minutes I can remember how nice it looked.
Him: I’m really into clean eating.
Me: [trying to impress] I almost never eat food I’ve dropped on the floor.
me: i need a dr appointment
reception: ok plz verify your birthday
me: it’s this friday
reception: thanks
me: but you don’t have to get me anything
reception: umm, ok
me: there’s really nothing i even need
reception: ok i wasn-
me: size 12. in rollerblades i’m size 12
Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.
Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.
[First Date]
Him: Great dress.
Me: Oh, this?*flips hair*
*twirls*
*skirt flares*
*foot catches*
*face plants*Him:
Me: Hey! Come back!
I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.
When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends
My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
Cake safety first. Always.
Putting honey on a bee sting is so strange.
You hurt me?!!
I’LL SMEAR MY WOUND WITH THE EXCREMENT OF YOUR ANCESTORS!!
Once, just once in my life, I’d love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper
I’m hunting wabbits.
Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”
I hope this email punches you square in the face
[having sex]
Her: HARDER!
ME: Divide 110 into two parts so that one will be 150% of the other. What are the 2 numbers?
Her: 44&66 HARDER!
*brings nachos to your exorcism*
Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”
Is fructose made with real fruct?
They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.
My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny
I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..