[first day as EMT]
Me: *checks pulse*
Victim’s wife: well?
Me: *shakes head*
Victim’s wife: I don’t think you should shake his head
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Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?
Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.
Boss: We’re having a meeting at noon for future managers
Me: Will there be lunch?
Boss: No
Me: I don’t want to be a manager that bad
Sometimes I think about starting a podcast and then I remember all I do during conversations is nod.
oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire
I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband
*BF walks in on me surrounded by dozens of empty Reddi Whip cans*
ARE YOU HUFFING AEROSOL?
Me- *Mouth full of whip cream* –
Yeff
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: whats that big wooden boat ur building
NOAH: it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: idk looks like a boat to me
NOAH: well it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: haha ok guy have fun with the boat
NOAH: have fun drowning
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: what
NOAH: what
A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.
I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
Me <in a meeting, whispers>: I don’t really like Gary.
Gary: I’m Gary.
Me: I know.
Between my education and helping four children with their homework, I’ve studied approximately 27 years of Algebra.
My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.
Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me “for safe keeping”.
Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.
my dad has had enough
First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.
My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.
My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.
Carpenter ants are bullshit, I left a whole box of ikea furniture here, all they did was carry off my watermelon and steal a picnic basket
We’re investigation reports of little piles cack in all the flower beds around here. You match the description of somebody we’d like to talk to.
“WHAT?! YOU NEVER TOLD ME!”
– My 7yo, hearing he has a middle name for the millionth time.
Date: I’m excited to taste your cooking. When will it be ready?
Me: In a minute I’ll have to peel back the plastic, stir and re-cover.
Me: Look, I really stuck my neck out for you and-
Vampire: wow
Me: Right off the bat you- No, I’m just saying it bites, I mean it sucks when-
Vampire: WOW
Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.
[first day working at the zoo]
Me: I don’t know, one minute the tortoise was in the cage-
Supervisor: *letting me out* but how did he get your keys
I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right