She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.
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The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
-Steve Buscemi
I’m famous people used to have talent years old.
Insanity [in•san•i•ty] (noun): Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results
See Also: Going back to your ex
My 3-year-old was supposed to dress up as a star for the Christmas pageant.
She threw a fit and demanded a different costume.
Now there are three wise men and one Power Ranger.
I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope
My son had an idea for the “Mom Dash App” where I would deliver food to his room and I told him that I’d have to get a 20% tip, so he’s still getting his own food.
SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that
Cop 1: There’s been another murder
Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging
Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus
Hurry everyone! While Canada is getting baked out of their mind today, I think we can rush in and take all the maple syrup and free health care we can carry.
[new coffee shop]
DAY 1
barista: name?
me: Pru
b: order for Prune!DAY 2
m: Pru. P-R-U
b: Poo!DAY 3
m: JANE… MY NAME’S JANE
*loses faith in humanity*
“this is the type of problem that can only be solved by 13 photos of unlikely animal friendships”
FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It’s scary down there.
The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra
Me *enters new password*
Computer: ok
Me: Aren’t you going tell me it’s too weak?
Computer: It is but you don’t handle criticism very well
Me *crying* that’s not true
People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs
[at my funeral]
boss : you’re LATE
Today, I want to talk about petting a cat with wet hands and why that’s no good for your hands or the cat.
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
❤Missed connection❤
You were the street magician who pointed at me and asked me to shout out the name of a card
I was the guy in the red shirt who panicked and shouted out “PIKACHU” whilst you rolled your eyes
*doorbell rings, I open door*
Alien: Hi! Do you have a moment so I can teach you highly advanced life skills that will save your species?
Me: Yes! My vacuum is making a funny noise. Could you look at it?
Alien calls back to mothership: Can’t I just vaporize her?
[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]
Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”
Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.
I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.
Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?
Sometimes when I see a baby wriggling in a highchair, I like to pretend I’m a Bond villain.
“You’ll find escape is quite impossible, Mr. Baby.”
them: did you know …
me: lemme stop you right there, pal you could fill an Amazon warehouse with what I don’t know
Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?
My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.
i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.