People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice
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Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
Bought a new exercise program
Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort
So I did
Overheard a couple in this restaurant fighting, so I fake proposed to my wife to add a lil fuel to that fire.
hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan
I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume
It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…
My birthstone is kidney
If I knew you in high school and your Facebook profile picture is a baby I’ll assume you’re Benjamin Button and unfriend you.
I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.
Her: Why are you still calling? You know it’s over between us.
Him: You know why.
Her: *sighs, calls dog to phone*
Characters in werewolf movies always develop heightened senses and sex drives and cravings for raw meat and never develop the urge to spend all day playing with squeaky chew toys.
*sees a truck*
Nice.*sees a trucker*
Oh, impressive.*sees a truckest*
Ah yes. This is what I came for.
My 7 year old asked me if he could have a poster of an “artist named Eminem” and I flexed on him by telling him how I saw Eminem live in his hometown of Detroit.
Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit
Me: ok
*nun screams*
I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.
Just checked out a hot guy with full leg sleeves…only to realize I’m not wearing my glasses and it was an old man in compression socks.
Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon
The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…
My son thinks declaring “yuck” to every meal I prepare can break me, but he doesn’t realize academic life has hardened me from rejection. So, joke’s on him.
The Wolf of Wall Street.
Barney: I love you, you love me
Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing
I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
Looking for a date, he must
-be an alpha male
-not shave
-howl at the moon
-not eat all the dog biscuits at once
-ok I’ve been single for too long
I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.
[taking baby’s shoes off]
Oh what a surprise. Clean soles. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.
Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.