rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born
barista: *under breath* shit
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It’s amazing how song lyrics can impact your life.
For instance, when Humpty Hump said “I’m spunky, I like my oatmeal lumpy”, that really spoke to me.
The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.
Geppetto: So, I know this is literally the first day you’re alive, but Imma need you to go to school
Pinocchio: WTF, dude?
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant
Someone on Facebook added me to my high school reunion page and wants volunteers to help with it. I said I’d love to, but I have a pillow that I need to suffocate myself with instead.
Interviewer: Biggest weakness?
Me: The delusions
Interviewer: Like what?
Me: Sometimes I think I’m being interviewed
Bus driver: where are your pants?
moms bragging about their kids like ok we’re just gonna sip our wine and pretend Claire’s kid didn’t just ask how many years she’s been 8 for
I hate it when computer games force you to make lots of difficult choices. My choices are why I’m 34 years old and playing computer games on a Monday. Clearly choices aren’t my strong point.
Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.
Was out on the golf course and shot an eagle at Hole 9. Mom doesn’t believe me, but wait till she sees the eagle.
Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?
[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought
What’s the dumbest thing you ever got in trouble for at work? Let me start: I just got a “verbal warning” for the words, “let’s see how that works out.”
Me: [every single day for 18 months]
da da…say da da. Can you say dada? Say da daaa…daaaa daDaughter:
Me: shit
Daughter: shit
[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!
People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
Just Friends is my favorite movie that shows fat guys how to get out of the friendzone through perseverance and becoming Ryan Reynolds.
[petting zoo]
ME: *still petting the penguin*
DANNY DEVITO: There’s other people in line, you know.
My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me
I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..
APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable
*thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield*
General: “STAY STRONG, MEN!”
*soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*
-That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it?
-Sentimental attachment.
-It just caught fire.
-Aww, just like old times.
if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise
I don’t get Twitter drama! I’m here to make friends, not argue
Me, 30 seconds later:
I suspect in a previous life I was either Napoleon or maybe some socks.
If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
Last weekend at a friend’s house I shouted “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked