*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
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My heart say “Yes”
But my mom says “No”
when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure
“God is good all the time!” Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked
[family thanksgiving in 2020]
HER: hey the turkey is still frozen
ME: everyone else says it’s fine mom try logging out and back in
KGB: You’re being activated and sent to America. There you will acquire and report all sensitive and relevant intel and relay back to Kremlin
Bear Family: what’s our cover?
KGB: You will sell crap ton of toilet paper
Three boxes of the same cereal in the pantry are a sign I should consider using a shopping list at the supermarket rather than just winging it.
Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.
Save time sledding with kids by just throwing away one mitten before you even leave the house
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm
Zebras? Oh, you mean horse referees
Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.
WHAT DO WE WANT!?
A forum for passive aggressive behavior!
WHEN do we want it?
NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.
My BFF is on her second child but I’m on my 3rd tapeworm so I win
No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.
fired
Coworker: Doing anything special this weekend?
Me: I’m going to get a scary Halloween costume for my puppy.
Coworker: But puppies are cute, you can’t possibly make them scary!
Me:
So we got a goldfish…
I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.
Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!
Me at 35: oh
Mushrooms must be protected from the rain at all times.
I don’t follow washing instructions, you’re my clothes you don’t tell me what to do
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that
[after recapturing an escaped convict]
sheriff: “congratulations on your absquatulation from prison but its time to go back to the slammer”
convict:
deputy *feels for a pulse*: “sheriff, hes absquatulated!”
sheriff: “we really need separate Word of the Day calendars”
me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot
Cost me $200 to fill up my tank tonight. Don’t know why I bought a tank, so impractical.