Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again
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Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?
You know when you’ve run out of loo paper and you have to do that little shuffle with your knickers round your ankles…
Thankfully I’m almost at Tesco’s.
Men don’t even appreciate a good bra & panty set. “TAkE tHeSe OfF” did you even look at it 🥺😒
Me: I bought a Twix for us to share.
Wife: Thanks, but you know I don’t like Twix.
Me: *already shoving both pieces into my mouth* Oh no, I forgot.
HR: No. 1 asset u would bring to Verizon customer support?
Applicant: Integrity
HR: Seriously?
A: No.
HR: Hired!
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…
I’m gonna miss that baby…
At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.
[parole hearing]
“What will u do if released?”
“Kill everyone on the jury.”
“What?”
“Buy everyone jewellery.”
“Aw. Granted.”
Even death won’t stop my mom from criticizing me
I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.
once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs
don’t be scared
My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.
7: Mama, are you lonely when we go to bed?
Me: (Handle this like a great mom. Get the look off your face. Don’t laugh.) Of course, sweetie.
You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.
Clock: oh shit, I am
Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast
Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”
A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.
– “Did you know a swan can break a full-grown man’s heart?”
– “I think you mean arm?”
– “NO I DON’T!!”
*Runs away sobbing, bread spilling everywhere*
My mother’s maiden name is Password.
[Girl over my house]
“My ex boyfriend had this weird one-man-band thing. You dont, right?”
[Unclipping my harmonica holder]
Def not.
Her: I really like old fashioned men.
Me (trying to impress): I have polio.
*opens paper towels*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens mail*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens package of scissors*
dog
me: It’s not f
*cooking dinner*
Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.
Have you found them?
“Not yet, sir.”
THEY’RE MUTANT TURTLES THAT DO KARATE. HOW HARD COULD IT BE?
“They wear tiny masks, sir.”
They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
batman: who do I see about this ticket?
cop: oh, I wrote it
batman: who tickets the batmobile!?
cop: you were illegally parked
batman: I was fighting crime!
cop: rules are rules
batman: I WAS DOING YOUR JOB!!!!
cop: did you see I wrote “I’m sorry” with a little heart?