Her: Wasn’t it fun cutting down our own Christmas tree?
Me: Yea, especially when that guy chased us out of his yard…
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Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.
What happens in the elevator stays in the elevator.
My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.
Guy: How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Do you know yet?
Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven’t done it. Bring more
Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?
I never understand why people think saying “you look tired” is an acceptable thing to say to someone. Maybe I’m just ugly, ok
All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.
Before you spend $200 on birthday party entertainment for your child, I sprayed my son and his friends for 45 minutes with the hose. Rave reviews.
How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?
[camping]
Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?
Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.
For all the people who doubted me:
You were right
Was glad my kids didn’t scream for me to come deal with the bug but also concerned when they named him Jerry before they killed it.
Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days
if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
When I was little, my mom would read my fortune cookie. It would say things like, “Never lie about brushing your teeth or they will fall out,” or “Don’t play with Hanna, she’s not a nice girl,” or “Tomorrow you’re getting shots, don’t cry.”
#LiesYourParentsToldYou
Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.
People buying plungers never look happy.
Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?
Mugshot photographer: No
GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy
[meeting her parents]
ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?
*Trains lightning bugs to spell*
Karen, they have a message for u
WILL YOU M-
“Omg Yes!”
OVE OUT?
Oh good. Here I packed your bags already.
[car dealership]
WIFE: let me do the talking, ur a terrible negotiator
SALESMAN: u can drive off with this car for 18k
ME: we’ll double that
*shortly after the sinking of the Titanic*
Sebastian: Ariel, what is dis!?! You cannot have a dead human in your secret grotto!
Ariel: But I like him.
Sebastian: What would your father say!?!
I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.
My kids have trashed the house again but they also reminded me to buy the ice cream which I’m currently eating instead of cleaning the house, so I’ll give them a pass this time
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
[FIRST DATE]
Him: “I love science-fiction.”
Me, trying to impress him: “I think the earth is flat.”
I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.
[middle of the night]
Me: Wake up!
Wife: What?!
Me: I dreamt Dolores Umbridge banned my pig
Wife:
Me: But she couldn’t. It was HOGwarts
McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.