Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
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“Ooh January’s been going on so long, when will it end?” Well now it has and what have we got? February. Well done you idiots
There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
ME: The word “thief” should be spelled “theif” or we should change how it is pronounced to “thigh-ff” but “thief” always seems incorrect.
COP: While I agree with you, you are still extremely under arrest, lol.
I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.
Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.
I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.
until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity
Catering service
Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free
Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?
Please don’t put a coin on my mouth when I die; I plan to wander the shores of the River Styx for 100 years & finally get that bikini body.
*on walkie-talkies
Them: you don’t have to make that noise with your mouth it happens automatically
Me: Oh. Roger that. Over. kkkssssh.
She said we needed to talk and…
I said, “Yeah, I think we should break up, too.”
She said, “About where to eat.”
“Oh,” I said, “Pizza?”
Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts
“THE YOGURT HAD MY GOD DAMN NAME ON IT, NANCY.”
How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?
Me: Could you have someone clean the third floor restroom?
Front desk clerk: There is no third floor restroom.
Me: There is now.
Too much insomnia causes caffeine.
Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”
*starts my own YouTube channel so my kids will listen to me.
me sitting in the theater waiting for the batman to start
50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.
Wordle is trying to tell me something
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5-year-old: *pretending to be a T-rex* I’m going to eat you.
7-year-old: You can’t. It’s Lent.
Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.
My long hair falls out constantly so I leave it everywhere for birds to make nests, your honor. That’s why my DNA proves I’m thoughtful, generous, and especially not guilty of this crime.
¯_(ツ)_/¯
Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?
-Asking for a friend.