When I was younger I also blamed Jewish people for all my problems and thought they were part of a conspiracy to control and ruin my life. Turns out they were just being good parents.
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Playing mini-golf with your family is a fun way to spend thirty-two dollars to watch your kid throw 18 tantrums in a row.
“Are you an adult?”
Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything
Me: what’s in these shots
Doctor: buddy I just work here
There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.
the year is 2025. ur child comes home from their first day of school saying they made a friend. ur ecstatic. there are numbers in his friend’s name and u think to urself ‘odd but ok.’ u call to set up lunch with the young robot’s parents. a tesla pulls up and u realize ur mistake
I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not
adobe: i see you wish to draw a circle. let’s use 87% of your available memory for that
microsoft: i see you are using 87% of your available memory. let’s download a massive mystery update
They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.
Just had an email from a reader who is a vegetarian. Complaining about too much vegan food on menus. And asking for my sympathy and support. I intend to think very seriously about this issue.
A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.
*Negative people trying to ruin my mood
*Me
To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.
Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?
My kid is almost old enough for social media so we’ll need to have “the talk” soon. You know, about your/you’re and their/there/they’re.
”Wear your good flip flops ” isn’t something I thought I would ever say, but here we are
Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.
I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.
Аbsolutely crazy to thіnk that Leonardo Dіcaprіo’s future gіrlfrіend іs currently nervous for her fіrst day of kіndergarten
[breakup]
Who should get the cat?
“I don’t know…let’s see who he loves the most”
{3 weeks later}
Can you tell?
“Nope”
[pointing to a gravestone]
I’ll have what HE’S having!
At first I thought my daughter was sick because she was sluggish and laid on the couch on her phone all day, but then I realized those were just symptoms of day 4 of Christmas break.
My husband just said “Do I look stupid to you?” Is this a trick question because it really feels like a trick question.
I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.
I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.
Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.
I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower
It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”
Me, starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit
9am: one slice of cake instead of two
One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.
Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions