I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.
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It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.
I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
[ funeral ]
me: *whispering* i never know what to do w my hands
her: *also whispering* well you can definitely stop clapping
Jim is short for Jimberly. The short form for James is obviously Jam
A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.
be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey
Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.
JUDGE: I hereby sentence you t-
PENGUIN COURT REPORTER: *angrily smashing keyboard with flippers* CAN YOU GUYS SLOW DOWN A BIT
“Mom, look! Look! Are you watching, Mom?!”
We have plumbers working in our house. I just heard one of them say “Lefty loosey, righty tighty.” I know we’re in good hands.
Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this
hey (with the intention of telling Jude not to make it bad)
police: put ur hands behind ur back
me: are u mad at me
I pet my dog and he didn’t wag his tail. Is he seeing someone else? Is the magic gone? Do we need to spice things up? I’ll dress like a cat.
“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it
*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*
Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed.
Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!
When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.
Or so I’ve been told.
Twice now.
WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge
ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART
[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys
In 5th grade the boy I had a crush on called me on the phone and told me he loved me…then screamed April Foooools and hung up.
It took me 34 years but jokes on you, Chris. I don’t even like you that much anymore.
Me: Oh this is a cute selfie!
Brain: Look again
Me: No, you’re right I’m a monster
Brain: As you were
Me: Yes ma’am
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
realized that as a doctor i could prescribe girl scout cookies, who needs some
I think I know the stress of a guy disarming a ticking time bomb after my wife watched me while I unloaded the dishwasher.
I was reading to my kids today and in the story, there was a pregnant woman.
My 3 year-old asked, “What happened to her belly?”
I replied, “There’s a baby in there.”
3 was horrified; “She ate a baby?!”
Sensing a good opportunity, I said “Yes.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
Thank you automatic ice dispenser.
I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.
JEDI WHO INVENTED LIGHTSABER: ok its a destructive laser sword so maybe we shoudnt wear anythig too flowy
JEDI IN CHARGE OF COSTUMES: …OORR
Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea