Thor is definitely one of my top 5 favorite movies about hammers.
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I dropped my phone will taking a bubble bath.
Now it’s syncing.
#BubbleBathDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.
[Origins…]
BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?
ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?
[party city]
employee: you don’t work here—why are you taking an inventory of these cardboard cutouts of sherlock?
me: I’ve got stock holmes syndrome
A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.
*on death bed*
Kids: I had a bad dream, can you move over so I can sleep with you?
*gets kicked in the ribs*
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.
Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.
My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.
Them: Question everything.
Me: Why?
The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away
Her, 5: can I have another pickle?
Me: no more pickles
Her: can I stare at the pickles?
Me: sure
If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.
My husband has been gone for 6 months. He’s on his 4th tour of Ikea.
Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what
If you didn’t want a doll made entirely out of my hair then maybe you shouldn’t have liked my selfie
I’m in a really bad place right now*
*in my neighbor’s driveway “stealing” my doordash that was delivered to the wrong house
I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.
There’s no way the Ninja Turtles would have those ripped abs. You can’t do crunches with a shell attached to your back. Trust me I’ve tried.
Stunning surveillance footage captured the moment a high school coach in Oregon disarmed a student with a shotgun and then embraced him. Police eventually arrived and took the student into custody.
If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
Never understood why ghosts haunt old, dusty houses. If I was a ghost I’d haunt Hawaii or Bali
When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.
eats a dozen doughnuts…
*checks for flabs*
In a parallel universe, there’s a grandma hiding in a wolf’s den, dressed up as a wolf waiting for its cub to return so she can eat it
But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?
I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
I’m slightly concerned my answer for everything is masturbation. Can’t sleep? Masturbate. Poor? Masturbate. Lost the remote? Go for it.