Car Salesman: We’ll give you $3,500 on the trade in…
Me: $3,800
Salesman: …but I’m going by Blue Book…
Me: Yeah but there’s at least $300 dollars in change trapped between the seats.
Salesman:
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Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?
Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.
boss: [asks me to do something]
me: [wonders how beyonce would do it]
boss: STOP WONDERING ABOUT HOW BEYONCE WOULD DO IT
Dr: You have palpitations
Me: You mean my heartbeat’s off?
Dr: Hearts can’t beat off HAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA- [goes into cardiac arrest]
*yells from space*
Did you kill that spider?!
Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
I accidentally inhaled some soap when I was washing my face and then I coughed and no bubbles came out. Cartoons are full of shit.
What do you do when your nose goes on strike???
You picket…
You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.
When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.
i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task
In a parallel universe, a zebra is walking around her contemporary decorated house, on top of a skinned blonde chick with big hoops rug.
Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’
I don’t pick my nose in the car. I’m worried the airbag will deploy and force my finger into my brain.
Me: Woohoo, I survived Thanksgiving! I can relax now.
Anxiety: Haha…Christmas.
My newest passion is making up sex positions when weird dudes ask my favorite. I’m a big fan of the Flying Lacrosse Kick, but I also really like the Tightrope Nanny.
You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.
My mom found a Barbie Dreamhouse at a garage sale when I was a kid, but all the stickers were ripped off so I drew on appliances and wallpaper. Debbie, down the street, called it Barbie Crackhouse and now she wants to be my friend on Facebook? Ha!
went to the dog hairdresser and (u started reading so u may as well finish) I can’t believe how well she held the scissors in her little paw
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….
In order from least to most stressful:
– code works
– code doesn’t work
– code doesn’t work, don’t know why
– code works, don’t know why
Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong
dentist: have you been flossing
me: have you?
dentist: [to assistant] can he do that
I’m a gentleman, so I when I see a woman about to open a door, I sprint up and tackle her back, so a man can open it for her.
I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.
Damn gurl, are you coronavirus? ‘Cause I wanna spend the next three months flattenin’ them currrrrves.
You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.
According to the scale at my gym, all I’ve lost so far is 300 dollars.