I don’t mean to brag but HR told me no one had ever eaten everyone’s lunch before as a reason to fit their own food in the fridge.
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Please let me in.. 😂
Sound on
11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?
Me: Just brush your teeth.
These doctor forms keep asking how often I fall down…
…it’s like they’ve been tailing me.
I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.
ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like
Star Trek was my favorite show as a kid because I liked to fantasize about getting beamed off this planet.
It’s my favorite show now for the same reason.
MOM: Any plans tonight?
ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns
HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary?
M: Yessss
Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza
My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue
Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate
Baby, I’m just gonna shake their soda
the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.
Wow so when an ostrich buries head in the sand, it’s alright; but when I do it, I’m arrested for trying to get rid of a murder victim’s body.
Is it because I’m brown??
Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.
Conversations get real after midnight.
11:59 pm – “I love ramen noodles”
12:01am – “I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once”
her: tell me something you’ve never told anyone else
me: *whispering* i think the owl people are already among us
her: who?
me: holy shit
Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.
There should be a dimmer on refrigerator lights so you’re not hit with full sunlight blast when you’re cruising for food at 3 a.m.
*discretely picks a booger*
*slyly wipes it on her blouse*
Funeral Director: Sir, we can see you and narrating it just makes it worse.
High school teachers: “Your college profs aren’t going to be as lenient as we are.”
College profs: “Sorry I’m late I didn’t want to come.”
[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.
My son was mad at me today so he told me as much punishment I had to go to my room and sleep for 24 hours. If I got hungry, he’d bring me whatever food I wanted, but I was not allowed to leave my bed for one whole day.
If you need me, I’ll be on vaca-, I mean, in my room.
Me: I’m worried that the romance has gone out of our marriage
Hub: Bet I can change your mind during the next commercial break
[date]
HER: So do you like Star Wars?
ME: Oh yeah
HER: Who’s your favorite character?
ME: *nervously looking at smudged notes* Yoga
My wife insists on buying our daughter the expensive, growth hormone free milk. So there goes any chance she’ll ever have of being an X-Men.
me: ugh I’m so fat
him: babe no, it’s all in your head
me: oh great, I don’t even know any head exercises
Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.
Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral
What flavor cupcake are these
Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.