Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?
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Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.
I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me
Half a league, half a league, half a league onward…
Justice League, confused: So like, which half?
Aquaman: *stares into the valley of death*
Y’know what? I’ll sit this one out.
There’s a bird in the yard and she’s shaking her tail feathers in hope of attracting a mate. HE SHOULD LOVE YOU FOR YOUR BRAIN, I yell.
Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination
[i witness a crime]
COP: we’ll need you to come down to the station and make a statement
ME: ok
[at the station]
ME: a hotdog is a sandwich
[Checks for abs]
Abs : I have a boyfriend
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
[First Date]
Her: Your Tinder profile says you’re a great listener
Me: Really. Ugh. That’s a typo. It should say I’m a “great listener.”
Lady at the farmers market selling us a hay bale to decorate our yard: just so you know, it’s going to get your car really messy
My 3yo: That’s ok because our car is already really messy
I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.
Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”
Me making new accounts to get the free first month subscription:
One time in med school we had a lecture on the dangers of sleep deprivation and it was an Alanis Morissette level of irony that the lecture was at 7am.
[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby
[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany
If a mouse family ever stole my iPhone and used it as a flat screen TV then I’m okay with it as long as they’re happy.
My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.
#FunnyLife Insects
Average age of billionaires: 65
Average age of billionaires in books: 35
My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?
I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say
My kids bought a huge bag of flour, yet I don’t see any baking going on…are they waiting for me? They’re waiting for me, aren’t they?
LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories
ME: shouldn’t it have more?
Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.
You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets
no caffeine: day 6
-sleeping better
-stable moods
-less anxious
-can’t think straight
-i’m exhausted
-3 people are dead
I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.