When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.
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genie: your first wish?
me: lemme get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: let me get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-
When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit
[being murdered]
Me: omg barry? from high school?
Barry: no way {stab} dave?
Me: this isn’t cuz of some high school thing is it?
Barry: oh nonono {stabstabstab} you were great. {stab} this is just a thing i do now
Me: k good {still being stabbed} you had me worried for a sec
Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.
Me: *Applying for a second mortgage*
Banker: *shuffling papers* I just don’t understand how you got the first one on this Bouncy House.
Ladies, he’s not working late. He’s trying to steal the declaration of independence. Stay woke
[Robot Uprising]
Human: Oh no a robot! What kind are you?
Robot: I am a counting machine
Human: Oh thank g—
Robot: Now killing human #53822
A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.
why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods
I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.
[before sex]
her: can u put something on
me: sure
her: is that just the jeopardy theme song
me: no
her:
me: it’s the whole episode
[on a first date]
Me: So do you like puppies?
Her: Oh I love them
Me: Ok, so we’ll both have the puppies
Waiter: Excellent choice, sir
Why do vegan places always try to copy meat products? Sure meat is murder but plagiarism is a little worse if you think about it
Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.
You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables
Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He asked, “How do you know I’m not a serial killer?”
I replied, “The chances of two serial killers in one car is astronomical.”
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
When I was 8, I was so inspired by Barney Miller that I went door to door in a trenchcoat handing out JJ Piggs, Kid Detective, business cards I made out of scrap paper.
I must have written down the wrong number though because no one ever called me.
*first date
(Me, texting) This is awful. She’s boring, has no sense of humor & rude
Her: You know you speak out loud when you text, right?
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby
Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.
Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?
Her: Yes
Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?
I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.
If my girlfriend hired cheaters they’d just tell her “the whole goddamn day, he looked up from his phone twice and once it was to sneeze”
when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”
Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.