FACT: When a dog barks at you, it’s actually their skeleton barking.
PROOF: I have never seen a dog without a skeleton bark.
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17: Do you know what school Scooper goes to?
Me: Who?
17: Scooper.
Me: Again, who?
17: Landlord’s son.
Me: COOPER?!
17: I thought it was Scooper, I’ve called him that for 5 years.
I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig.
It’s not a beautiful poem, but it’s very deep.
Why is my long hair now up in a messy bun today? Well I leaned down to pick up something from the floor & my cat leapt out of nowhere, claws out, grabbed my hair like a vine rope over a lake & swung from it for fun.
And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.
My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.
Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.
Once your kid learns about the planet Uranus, you can bet uranus you’ll be hearing uranus puns for months.
The possibility of there being cake will greatly affect my interest and/or possible involvement.
When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard
My second thought is virgin wizard
They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now
Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.
“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”
Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good
My parents kept me humble by having 6 kids and regularly forgetting my name
Cow it started Cow it’s going
[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea
44.65
*click*
44.87*click*
44.96*click*
44.98*click*
44.99*click*
45.01~ gas pumps
A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.
I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
4-year-old: Dad?
Me: What? I’m trying to sleep.
4:
Me:
4: What’s the phone number for the firefighters?
Now I’m awake.
If you rarely drive on snow, just pretend you’re taking your grandma to church. There’s a platter of biscuits and 2 gallons of sweet tea in glass jars in the back seat. She’s wearing a new dress and holding a crock pot full of gravy.
I think I’m gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.
*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*
Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?
Dance like no one’s a werewolf. Eat like you found it in the couch. Shout like your cat’s sleeping. Feel good like a bossy poem told you to.
*Bee lands on flower covered in another flower’s pollen*
FLOWER: What’s that?
BEE: I can explain
F: I don’t want to hear your lies, Ian
Son: What’s for dinner?
Me: Cake.
Son: Yay! I want cake!
Me: What are the magic words?
Son: I LOVE YOU MORE THAN I LOVE MOM.
Me: Here ya go.
I want to go on the record by saying I love my family but if I have to spend any longer with them you’ll be seeing me on the 6 o’clock news.