My 13 year old doesn’t speak when she picks up the phone. She just listens and hangs up. I think she’s going to be a hitman someday.
You Might Also Like
pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”
I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.
Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that
Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.
My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.
І never thought І wouId say thіs, and іt took me a whіle to come to terms, but І thіnk І ate too much bacon.
Fact: it is impossible to hold a machete in a friendly manner.
I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them
I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
i’d rather go to jail than go camping. at least jail is inside
For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there’d be one less blogger.
Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?
Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.
I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser
I don’t know, guys. The whole “play dead when a bear attacks” thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with…
[first date]
HER: So, do you have any hobbies?
ME: No, not really.
SOCK PUPPET: You’re not going to tell her about us?
Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.
To be honest, I’m annoyed that my 5th grade curriculum didn’t include a ‘Defense against the dark arts’ class.
If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?
Everyone hates big pharma until they have a headache.
Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse
The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.
some of you youths are gonna be real disappointed when u discover that turning 30 just means you still have all the same weird interests but can’t turn your head all the way to the left anymore
Bison may look friend-shaped, but they already have all the friends they want. Keep your distance and don’t make it awkward.
One time I dated a yoga instructor & my buddies said “Man. She must be really flexible!” but I told them “No, she has to work most weekends”
Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)
I got high and hid snacks from myself, this is the worst scavenger hunt ever
Wordle 241 1/6
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!
(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.