[walking her home after the first date]
She: I love long walks
[Trying to impress her]
I have to walk everywhere cause I can’t afford a car.
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accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl
I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.
Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”
After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato.
“Nom nom nom”
– annoying people that apparently don’t understand how to chew food
the only reason i’m gonna go to my 10 year high school reunion is to see if the kid that wore shorts year round is wearing shorts
mom asked me how I felt about her dating a younger guy, and I told her “just make sure u raise him right” and now she’s taking me out of her will
WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic
THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart
ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?
Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.
My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.
conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy
I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.
I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.
Girls are a lot like oceans,
beautiful
and deep
but once a month
it’s shark week.
If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.
On Facebook:
Them: Look! We’re at the beach!
Me: Look! I’m in your house!
Leonardo: Let’s go rescue April!!
Donatello: Let’s do it!
Raphael: Bodacious!!
Michelangelo: Totally!!
Vincent: *cuts off ear* give her this
Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter#NewEndingsToRosesAreRed
A child in the playground did an impressive move on the monkey bars
Wow, that’s pretty good, I said.
My 7 year old, without batting an eyelid, and not even realising he has Twitter potential, turned to me and uttered the words…
“Hold my rice cake”
I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.
My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap
Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.
The best part about Halloween is seeing people in costume doing normal shit. Just saw a Dracula standing by a car eating potato chips.
Toddler *at 8 AM*: Mom, I had zero candy today
Me: Is this a statement of complaint or achievement?
him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you
me:
I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
*turns on the passenger seat warmer, for the pizza
If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.
Science.
I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?