you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is
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Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.
YOU, OBLIVIOUS TO CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies*
ME, OBSESSED WITH CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies more meaningfully*
i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due
me: say it
fred: pls no
me: i’m not paying
fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due
me: haha
I can’t believe I shaved my toes for this
“Let’s take a couple dozen over-stimulated children and give them enough sugar to kill an elephant.” – inventor of the birthday party
The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.
Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.
Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?
Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.
This is Weller. He picked this flower for you. He also may have eaten a few of them. Not this one though. This one was special. 12/10 we are honored Weller
My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’
A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
*boss puts arm around Alan*
Look out that window, Alan. What do you see?
“Um, chirping birds?”
That’s right Alan. But why do they chirp?
“Because they’re free?”
No, Alan.
“Er, because they want guns?”
You’re goddamned right they want guns, Alan. That’s why we make guns for birds.
If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.
It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.
waiter: would you like a table?
me: yes, the multiplication please
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…Florist- “Umm. You’re gonna have to pay for those.”
If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one
Me: I’ll have a small drink.
Fast food worker: We don’t have a small. We only have large and medium.
Me: *grabs him by collar* THE SMALLEST SIZE CANNOT BE MEDIUM! THAT LITERALLY MEANS MIDDLE!
(looking up the ending of LOST on wikipedia) ohhhh now i understand. this is a free online encyclopedia
Hot tip: Apparently it’s frowned upon to make the sound effect tssst when being blessed by a priest
[long ago]
A: Ok, so let’s mush a tree to pulp and then make flat thingies out of it.
B: Great idea. Write that down.
A: Where?
If you’re ever hiking in the woods and you get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
Yesterday I watched Rogue One, featuring a cameo from Carrie Fisher.
One hour later she was dead.
So today I’ll be watching Home Alone 2.
“Call me crazy bu..”
You’re a freakin idiot!.. I mean, you’re crazy.
There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met
I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.