I just found out Canada isn’t real
Turns out it was all mapleleaf
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Dang it, I looked at my phone for a second while driving and now I don’t know what road I’m on. Maybe I’ll ask this talky fellow on my hood.
a dog shows up to play basketball. but the rulebook never says dogs can’t play. i get it. thats a normal thing to not see coming. but then that same dog plays football, soccer, baseball. time to codify the good faith bipeds only policy, right?
no! they let his kids be ASTRONAUTS
I told my daughter she had to donate two toys to the community toy drive and she picked two of her sister’s toys to give away so I’m pretty sure she’s gonna be a CEO someday.
(Standing naked in front of the mirrors, trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner)
Home Depot Manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
[MURDER TRIAL]
JUDGE: So in 27 years of marriage, you never knew your wife was allergic to salt?
MR.SLUG:[Into mic] That’s correct.
If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
ONLINE BOYFRIEND: “Why do you have so many socks?”
ME: [hiding my octopus tentacles while on webcam] “Haha, no reason. They are just fun to have.”
If you think $1mil/yr is “rich,” guess again! Look at my monthly expenses.
$22k rent
$6k 24/7 manservant
$2k gourds (decorative)
$4.5k jewels, myrrh
$10k ballooning & balloon upkeep
$7k magazines
$9k condor egg omelettes
$11k misc unguentsI’m barely getting by.
Good morning! Today I am manifesting the following:
-you having a good day
-a plain toasted cinnamon raisin bagel
-$50
-the total & complete downfall & internal collapse of my landlord’s morally bankrupt HOA
-weather that only requires a light coat
Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.
Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.
If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.
the worst words you can hear after putting something in the dishwasher: “that’s clean”
See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.
it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way
british waiter: what topping would ye fancy on yer pizza?
british guy: tea
british waiter: jolly good choice
[both laugh britishingly]
Me, wet, shrunken, laying in front of the interrupted washing machine, breathlessly clutching a voodoo doll: FOUND IT
Me: I haven’t spoken to my mom in years. I do love her though.
Therapist: She isn’t going to live forever. You should call and tell her.
Me: You’re right…*dials number*
Mom, you’re going to die *hangs up*
My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster
All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.
“it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t include showering. You have to actually do that.
My neighbour called out “cheer up” today so I asked if he was moving house
My kid hasn’t finished her homework but she did call a family meeting to show us the 20 slide presentation she created on why we should get a cat.
Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt
When I can’t barge, I careen.