How to lose 12 lbs in 7 agonizing seconds:
Step 1: Make sure the wood chipper is all gassed up.
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I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
#ParentingFacts
My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.
Son: What is wrong with those people?
Me: Stop staring. They’re indigenous to Wal-Mart. We are the outsiders here.
*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
[seeing a picture of myself]
Revolting. Burn it
[hearing a recording of my voice]
Awful. Grating
[seeing my tweets]
Genius. A blessing to this world
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
Me: What should I wear on my date
Friend: An expensive dress shirt
*Later*
Me: Hi
Her: Is that the top of a wedding gown
*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.
Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.
Yes, of course I love French films.
Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
My New Year’s resolutions:
1. Stop making lists.
B. Be more consistent.
7. Learn to count.
No one makes fun of your unibrow if you’re a cyclops.
DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.
So much gross product placement in THE SHINING. It’s like, fine, I’ll buy an axe.
Expert: your husband?
Woman: that’s right. Len.
Expert: well, as you can see Len’s flipping up men’s ties and if you look closely… there, see how he’s slipping potatoes into people’s bags? This is an activity we call ‘hi jinx’.
Woman: I thought it might be!The Antics Roadshow
I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.
What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.
“Hindsight is 2020” will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do
girls have four moods: famine, pestilence, war, death
Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”
After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”
HIM: ”License and registration.”
ME: *slides him fish*
HIM: …
ME: *slides him another fish*
HIM: “Have a good day, sir.”
my favouritest X’s, ranked:
9. _traterrestrial
8. _marks the spot
7. _ray specs
6. _chromosome
5. generation_
4. _tasy
3. _tra large portion of fries
2. _rated
1. _wife
Nothing in my life has made me more insecure than the amount of scam emails I get claiming I’ve won an Oral B toothbrush. Is this now my worth? A mere toothbrush? I used to correspond with Nigerian Princes
I bought quick oats and two days later my roommate showed up with instant oats. I will not be humiliated; I must find an even sooner oat.