Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and saw the hundreds of pictures you’ve taken of them sleeping..
You Might Also Like
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
my mom when anyone would walk on the carpet she just vacuumed
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up at 3 AM to let her know that I couldn’t sleep.
Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.
No matter how much milk I buy or when, there is always 1/8 cup left in the carton when I want some.
Sometimes I get bored and tell people I’ve never had pizza before.
“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”
The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.
No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.
the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?
This dude wants $4800 to remove a raccoon from my attic. So our family has a pet raccoon now, obviously. Say hello to Charlotte.
You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.
Genie: What is your last wish
Me: Make me stop second-guessing myself
Genie: You sure that’s what you want?
Me: GAAAHHHH
Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.
[scene: a smoky Paris bar]
BARTENDER: You feel trapped, mais oui? You hunt the rabbit, but the rabbit, he mocks you. Always you are made to play the fool, in a cycle you cannot escape.
FUDD: *nodding bleakly* I’m suffewing, Henwi.
I’m confused about plants
Sometimes, when I’m doing dishes, I’ll just start flinging them towards the cabinets and get mad when it doesn’t work out like it does in cartoons.
God: you’re a llama.
Llama: I look ridiculous.
God: why do you say that?
Llama: I look like a giraffe made love to a sheep.
God: that’s not true.
Llama: i’m a giraffe sheep : (
God: [under breath] more like a drama llama.
Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.
We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.
Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.
At Christmas, it’s important to pause and remember all those who have wronged you this year and how you can wreak vengeance on them in 2017
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were hereDomino’s : we said 30 min or less
what is joe biden’s plan to make everything bagels less messy to eat
I’m trying to pretend these kids aren’t mine, but it’s so hard when they are sitting at the same table as me in this restaurant.
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?
Priest: Absolutely not
Whenever I see WHOA spelled as WOAH, I assume it’s referring to Noah’s evil twin whose Ark housed all the insect and arachnid life.