Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
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I used to laugh at my neighbour for getting the gender of his dog wrong for years until my cat laid an egg and now I suspect it’s a penguin.
Welcome to your fifties, your movie reviews are no longer thumbs up or thumbs down, they’re did I fall asleep or stay awake.
MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:
Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.
I missed one episode of the news and now I have no clue wtf is happening.
Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?
[sinking ship]
CAPTAIN: dammit
RAT: i’m leaving
CAPTAIN: i’m staying
CAPTAIN’S GOLDFISH: [in fishbowl] i’m excited to see how this plays out
It’s so cute he threw in “hereby” as if it means anything.
“I hereby order the Cubs to win their next 20 games.”
A man was arrested on Brighton beach today for throwing pebbles at the sea birds.
He was accused of having left no tern unstoned.
Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef
{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate
I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.
(Job interview)
The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later
Me: Okay, I’ll start later then
12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.
I self medicate, therefore you live.
SNOW WHITE: so how’d you get your names?
SNEEZY: I sneeze a lot
SLEEPY: I sleep a lot
GRUMPY: my wife left me
“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question
People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?
My job sucks but it pays the bills.
Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.
Human are so complicated
*5.30 a.m.*
6: Mom, I’ve decided to make breakfast for everyone.
Me *groggily*: Oh, that’s sweet.
6: How many people live in our neighborhood?
Me: GO BACK TO BED!
Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.
mcdonalds: may I take your order
cronus: I’ll have the kids meal
My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.
For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.
To the Audi hogging the road:
Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!
Me: I’m having a bad day!
Brain: You should buy those $300 headphones so you feel better.
Me: You’re making a lot of sense right now.
Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?
Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!
Me: It was getting freezer-burned.
W: I just bought it today!
Me: Crazy freezer.
My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no