i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either
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The only way anyone should die is “mysteriously.” It just makes for better stories. “He lived a long, full life and died peacefully in his sleep.” Lame. Boring. A waste. “He lived a long, full life and disappeared in Panama, leaving enigmatic clues.” Excellent. Superb. No notes.
Drank some sparkling water which makes me burpy and its driving my kid insane.
I’ve never thought gas could get any better but here we are.
4 woke me at 12.30am and 3am then yelled at me because I wouldn’t take part in her frog jumping contest at 6.23am, do I just send my resignation to hr or
If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
Welcome to your 50s. You’re pretty laid back about everything now –
except when the GODDAMN SQUIRRELS get in your bird feeders with the expensive food with peanuts, pecans, and chunks of suet–I THOUGHT THESE WERE SQUIRRELPROOF FEEDERS!!!!
I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.
“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”
[first date]
HER: So, do you have a 5 year plan?
ME: Yes. Well, the beginnings of one.
HER: How far have you gotten?
ME: I’ve decided what I want for dinner.
Raccoons always look like they are in the middle of telling a story about how big something was.
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck
Got some shoes from a drug dealer , I don’t know what he laced them with coz I’ve been tripping all day.
I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco
INTERVIEWER: So…that’s it. Any questions for me?
ME: Do boxer dogs actually punch?
I: um no that’s not
ME: I bet they use a puppercut
[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?
Ghost Hunter is a cool job because as a kid I always thought how fun it would be to play make believe and get paid for it
No Auto-correct, I never meant “Relationship Goats”.
me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee
drive-thru person: how many coffees?
me: one please
him: anything to declare
me: i don’t really like soup
everyone else in customs: [GASP]
Cheese seller: Is there a problem with your Limburger?
Cannibal: Buddy, there are zero limbs in this thing
When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.
a good argument tactic is if the person is eating or drinking something all you have to do is call them whatever they’re eating and or drinking “okay whatever you say dr. pepper” etc.
I’m so disappointed when I help my kid with her homework and she brings it home marked incorrect.
My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.
Worst feeling in the world is when you are loyal to all your 6 girlfriends but your favorite one is cheating on you!!
my husband’s quarantine amazon cart: – fruit and vegetable seeds
– toilet paper
– educational toys for the kidsmy quarantine amazon cart:
– four (4) horse masks
– a theatrical quality replica of elsa’s dress from frozen 2
– a lifesize cardboard cutout of richard madden
I met my wife through a mutual friend. Despite being together for 18 years, married for 14, in my head sometimes I still refer to her as “Alan’s friend”.
I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me
While he was probing my mouth my dentist asked if I was doing anything nice this weekend and now he thinks I’m going to park a car far from a large bar in Armagh.
[pediatricians office]
8, after the flu vaccine: Daddy, now I can tell my whole class I got shot!
Me: Please don’t say it like that.
oh yeah, well can AI do this?
*eats 7 deviled eggs at the cookout*