If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.
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Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things
Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.
Instead of calling it a “to do” list I’ve started writing “side quests” at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting and boy has that not worked at all.
Confession: My dad is a Pastor & I play the piano at church when I’m home. I religiously play R&B songs during portions of the service to see who notices. I’ve been playing “Between the sheets” by the Isley Brothers for almost 6 months and today my mom finally noticed.
How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you
I like to go hiking and by hiking I mean I like to stand in the woods while a moody soundtrack plays in my head and pretend I am a vengeful forest spirit
I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.
He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*
Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781
If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?
the CIA has been tracking me for years cuz they know i saw two sharks jump out of the water and hi-5 but i’d rather die than rat out a shark
You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.
11:34: Arrived at crime scene
11:34: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11:34: Found murder weapon in drain
11:34: Realized watch was broken
he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts
Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?
You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.
Oh sure, a 3yo can get candy for not pooping their pants, but when I demand wine for successful defecation, I get sent home by HR.
Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.
I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business
AH WONDERFUL I SEE THE JOB APPLICATION HAS CHOSEN TO IGNORE MY BEAUTIFULLY CRAFTED RESUME IN LIEU OF MAKING ME ENTER MY INFORMATION LINE BY LINE ONTO SOME SORT OF WEBSITE FROM THE 1800S
I used to be a big proponent of super-descriptions of characters in stories–down to the last ribbon of their costume. Nowadays, I think vague details work well for a lot of reasons, such as not having to go back and remember how you described them when you’re writing a new book.
To the Audi hogging the road:
Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!
If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.
Follow me for more health advice
GUY ABOUT TO MURDER ME: What are you doing
ME: I’m naming you godfather to my kids. Now you get them if anything happens to me
GUY: DAMMIT
My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..
CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT THE LAST 4 TIMES:
-Sad
-Embarrassing
-Pretended it was a scheduling issue but they knew I was lyingCANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT TODAY:
-Brave
-Iconic
-Protecting the world by not letting a stranger put his fingers in my mouth
Her: *slaps grilled cheese from my hand* I’m leaving you!
Me: *slowly removes emergency grilled cheese from my pocket*