when I was 8 i stayed for dinner at a friend’s house and at dinner his Mom asked how everyone’s day was and his Dad said ‘A corpse exploded in the van again, got some in Gary’s hair too.’ His Dad was a Funeral Director and i was not allowed to have dinner there anymore.
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If you’re afraid of a book’s influence on the young, banning or burning it is foolish. Assign it in an English class and you will destroy it within a generation.
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.
Hey boy, are you a software update because not now
I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.
I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.
Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.
I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.
Bartender: what’ll it be?
Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet
A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.
losing my mind at my mom’s reply to my insta story
toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.
I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.
ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter
GRIM REAPER: well shit
I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.
Husband: *sleeping soundly*
Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?
You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.
just mowed the backyard
[idiot mocking voice] “but deg what will u do this weekend?”
hell, the way it grows i’ll be able to mow sunday idiot
I’m such a bad ass chef that I hear music every time I cook… Hubby calls it the “smoke alarm” but whatever…I think he’s just jealous.
Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.
You get to choose which path you take.
I see some of you have chosen the psychopath.
Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?
Texts should come with a decoder ring, because wtf do you mean by “hey…”
I booked a suite at a 5 star hotel and when my girlfriend arrived,on the bed spelled out in rose petals was “be right out,I’m taking a shit”
Here’s a video of a guy putting a camera on a sushi conveyer belt. It’s wonderful. Every table has a little story!
some people recharge in nature. some people recharge at the olive garden.
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.
*turns on broadcast TV*
Wow, I’m actually watching TV as it airs. Who even does that anymore?
*sees Activia ad*
*sees Metamucil ad*
*sees Cialis ad*
I think I have the answer.